Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(212): View more from New York

guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.

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(702): View more from Nevada

That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(858): View more from California

my life trainwreck boards at 9:30

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(909): View more from California

Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)

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(260): View more from Indiana

I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇

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