Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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