you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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