even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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