and you said cock pushups were impossible
we made out on top of his cat.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
