I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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