when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
