I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Boobs speak an international language.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You ate ashes out of my bong
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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