Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
You peed on a flamingo?!?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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