I skipped work to stalk him.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
