He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
