Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
