My first STD was from a foam party
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Sext me about skeletons
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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