Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
