I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
