Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
