My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
