She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
