Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
