She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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