New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie