we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
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Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
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We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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