Only a mothe r could love this liver
this beer tastes like vomit already
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
