i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize