dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Houston, we have a squirter
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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