She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
