I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize