dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
