So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
