Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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