i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
