Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I CAN MOONWALK!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
What drink are we having for lunch?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
