I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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