I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
