Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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