I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
