i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
