I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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