sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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