Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
