woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Congratulations! We have a period
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
