Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
