Your face is a jimmy john
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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