It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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