Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize