Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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