So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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