so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
