True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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