White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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