I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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