Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
