He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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