It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
