Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
two words...techno handjob
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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