I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I am mentally ready for anal.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
