11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
