you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Less talking, more tequila
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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