he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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