I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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