I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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