considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
