My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
