Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
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i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
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She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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