Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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