life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
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